It is easy to make this blog just all about showcasing successes and good days. It is harder to highlight failure and struggles. However, failure and struggles are part and parcel with each challenge I go through so here we go…
I have a career where being ambitious, motivated, and successful are core principles in order to be part of the club. No one became a doctor by chance. All doctors have varying stories of achieving high levels of success, maybe even all the way back from childhood. It is a career driven by a cutthroat cycle of learning, studying, and being examined. There are many different forms of assessments in order to progress – exams (written, oral, practical), projects, yearly reviews, portfolio-building, job interviews, training and competencies to perform procedures. Every single doctor (whether they care to admit or not) is undeniably, an overachiever. After all, you are responsible for other people’s lives and health. You need to always be on top of your game.
That is a lot of pressure, don’t you think? But we are undoubtedly used to the pressure, we have adapted. Most of us can work under immense pressure. However, we are also all prone to burn out, especially if we don’t have built-in coping mechanisms (mine being running).
Although we are very much trained to embrace success, we are also the absolute worst when dealing with failure. We don’t like to fail. Not being good enough is not a good feeling. Underperformance is a hard punch to the gut. And for me, I have had a fair share of blows recently. I am fully aware that I am overstretched, overwhelmed, and on the brink of burn-out. I am also aware that being overstretched and overwhelmed is self-inflicted and have most likely led to these results.
Back in April 2023, I had the best week ever. This week is the complete opposite…
- Poor marathon result
- Failed the Physics essay and now have to re-do Physics module of the MSc course
- Failed the Physics module of the FRCR Part 1 (second attempt)
- Didn’t get into the NYC Marathon 2025.
I did pass the Medical Statistics (woohoo!). I already passed Cancer Biology and Radiobiology and Clinical Pharmacology back in September, when I took all 4 modules (passed 2, failed 2).
If I was new to the Failing Game then I would be thinking that I should quit Medicine now. However, this is not the first time I’ve failed. Although it still hurts the ego a bit, I see these now in a different light. One, well I just have to get better at this. Two, learning the material will give me more confidence when I am looking after my patients. Three, learning Physics is never a bad thing – it is central in giving Radiotherapy.
There is also the feeling of getting left behind by your peers. Everyone around you is progressing with some passing exams the first time around. When I was in the first month in the first year of being a doctor, my Educational Supervisor in General Surgery told me that I was falling behind my peers (Hello… it’s the first month!). I would like to believe that he said that so I can step up my game and be the best that I can be. It still hurt when he said it though.
In times like these, I always think about the marathon. Everyone runs at their own pace, some will be faster than me, some will be slower than me. And not that I’m anywhere like Paula Radcliffe but she inspires many women, myself included. At Tokyo (last week), she came back to run the marathon after retiring at 40, she is now 51 and ran under 3 hours. She then said and I’d like to think she directed this at me…
“I really take my hat off to everyone who juggles the training with a career, and family life around that, because it’s a different way – but it makes the achievement when you cross that finish line a little bit sweeter.”
I’ll cross the Finish Line with these exams one day. And it will be one sweet day.
Reach for the Seven Stars 